And Hamlet says [aside]: "A little more than kin and less than kind" and Claudius keeps talking.
Clearly, gentle reader, Hamlet has some uncle-daddy issues. To recap: his real dad just died, his mom remarried his uncle, and now those two (mom and stepdad) are dogging him about his attitude. And it's only Monday.
Let us, therefore, insert a total non sequitur right here and state the reasons why Beowulf would successfully fulfill the role of Uncle-Dad, a role that Hamlet seems set against:
Reason #1: Beowulf has no family of his own.
Remember, Beowulf apparently never married and/or had children of his own. The guy has time to give. He's got a big heart, like a buffalo heart or a whale heart, because he's so big. Hamlet would be so lucky to have that much love sloshed his way.
Reason #2: Beowulf is loaded.
He is a king, after all, and he possesses precious artifacts and heirlooms, including but not limited to Grendel's left arm and an uncorked bottle of mead from the meal when Unferth insults him. Even if Hamlet, who is also rich, isn't won over by Beowulf's treasure, these rarities would still impress. Perhaps Hamlet could stop belly-aching and do something with his time, like open a Beowulf Rulz Museum and serve as curator. That would put an end to his depression. He could charge $2.50 at the door, perhaps earn some money of his own, the hard way. Work is good, gentle reader.
Reason #3: Beowulf represents 30 uncle-dads.
What's better than 1 uncle-dad? 30 uncle-dads. Or at least the strength of 30. Remember, Beowulf is strong. He is the ultimate swing-pusher, rough-houser, piggyback-ride-giver, and taker-up-to-bed-from-the-couch-because-Hamlet-fell-asleep-in-front-of-the-TV. What a seamless ride, being carried up to bed on that boulder of a shoulder. And if you drool too much, do not fret; Beowulf is also a strong swimmer.
In conclusion, Beowulf proves yet again to be the ultimate. (I use that last word as a noun, not a mere adjective. Beowulf transcends parts of speech.)
