Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Driving in a Winter Wonderland

There are three kinds of Winter Weather drivers. Now I'm talking about snow on the ground, icy patches, there are probably cars in the ditch somewhere Winter Weather conditions:

1. The Deer In Headlights: scared beyond all recognition, camped out in the left lane of the expressway, driving 18 miles per hour, unmovable. This person is still wearing the hat, scarf, mittens combo first put on to scrape off the windshield. It is now 88 degrees inside the vehicle, evidenced by the fogged out windows, but Deer does not mind. Nay, Deer does not even notice. Deer bothers Professional Non-Doer because Deer refuses to move over to the right-hand lane, even though it is perfectly plowed.

2. The Honey Badger with AWD: mad as all get out that your vehicle is in his (her) way because in front of you is the vacant space of about 5 meters before hitting the next car. And the next car. And the next car. And Honey Badger is mad at them as well. You see, HB has to prove that his (her) car is awesome in the snow, so to prove this awesomeness, HB does things in the snow that he (she) wouldn't do on a sunny summer day. Because we haven't seen the ads on TV illustrating the non-skid capabilities of a Nissan Maxima or Chevy Malibu. And we aren't familiar with the traction of a Jeep Cherokee or Land Rover. And so Honey Badger shows us all of these things in real life. This bugs Professional Non-Doer because no matter how many times HB veers into the right lane and pulls up alongside and then falls back behind into the left lane to tailgate, Professional Non-Doer cannot transmute space, time, or the wall of car bumpers stacked up in front of him out of the way. Sorry Honey Badger.

3. Everybody else: just trying to get to work (or wherever) in one piece. If that means traveling at or below the speed limit, so be it. If that means driving in the only plowed lane of a two-lane highway for big stretches of the trip, even behind someone traveling slower than we might, so be it. If that means leaving earlier and not at the same time or (just to tempt the Fates) later than usual, so be it. If that ultimately means arriving late because sometimes it has to happen to ensure safety rather than beating on the steering wheel and pointing maliciously at fellow drivers through the fogged out windows of a car that is still entirely covered in snow except for a 4X5 portal wiped off the windshield and tearing by someone only to cut them off to prove some ideal of galactic importance and deciding to turn onto heavily trafficked streets not because there is space to do so but because you decided that you have waited long enough, so be it.

Assignment: Place Daisy Buchanan in the appropriate category and explain why.

1 comment:

  1. Daisy is a Deer in the Headlights. She has never stopped staring directly into the headlights during her entire existence. While she is tempted by beautifully luscious shirt, she can't get out of the Tom lane for the entire novel. She never left the Gatsby lane, but that lane went to war and Tom took its place. Tl;DR Gatsby is dead because Daisy can't drive.

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